Ramnani: Hi, I am Doctor Sapna Rmanani, and you're listening to Share It With Me and the journalist living with a speech impairment. And that means my voice is a little more difficult to understand. But I didn't want that to stop me from asking the questions that matter in this podcast, I use an AI voice to help me bring those questions to life. The voice is synthetic, but the thoughts, the emotions, and the intent behind every question and comment are completely mild. You'll hear that AI voice throughout the interview. But now that I'm here guiding every moment of the conversation, the guests for this episode of shares with me is Nicole

Poulton:, an addiction recovery coach. His work is rooted not in theory but in lived experience. Nicole's journey began with profound childhood trauma, including long term abuse, chronic pain and addiction that started with prescription medication after a serious spinal injury. By her twenties, addiction had taken her to the brink of death. An overdose became a turning point that changed everything. What followed was not just sobriety, but deep healing. Nicole chose to confront trauma head on. To feel rather than know, and to rebuild her life from the inside out. Along the way, she rejected the common narrative that sobriety has to be a lifelong battle marked by struggle and deprivation. Instead, she discovered practical, mindset driven hacks that made recovery not only sustainable, but meaningful and fulfilling. Today, Nicole helps others get sober by addressing the root causes of addiction, trauma, emotional pain, and disconnection while showing people that recovery can be empowering, hopeful, and even joyful. Her mission is simple, with powerful to make sure no one feels alone, and to remind people that their past does not get to decide their future. This is a conversation about trauma, resilience, responsibility, and what's possible when eating becomes a choice. Hi, how are you?

Poulton:: Good, good. I'm excited.

Ramnani: I am really excited too. Thank you so much for your time.

Poulton:: Of course. Yeah.

Ramnani: Why don't you tell me about yourself?

Poulton:: I'm in the addiction recovery space. I'm a coach helping people get sober. And all of this came because I struggled with addiction myself for quite a while. When I was a kid growing up, I was sexually abused emotionally, physically, like the whole works. And then ultimately, when I was fifteen, I broke my back. I was in a skiing accident, and I was being too rebellious, too reckless, and didn't really have any caution and went off of a jump, did not land it and broke my back. And then that got me access to all of my prescription medication. It stopped a lot of the sexual abuse because I was in like a big back brace. And, you know, it's not accessible anymore. But I did have that need to numb the emotional pain. And so I used my pills and ultimately I overdosed. And when I overdosed, it was a big wake up call, realizing that I could actually change my life and make different decisions and create the outcomes that I wanted. And so then I got sober and started going down that path. And along the way I found how to help other people. And I think that there's this stigma with sobriety that it has to be a hard battle every single day. And I didn't accept that. I wanted it to be something that could be easy and enjoyable. And so I found the little hacks that allowed me to do that, and I realized that I wanted to share that with other people. And so now that's what I do, helping other people get sober and sharing my story. Because not a lot of people I feel comfortable sharing, and they feel so isolated and alone with what they're going through. And so I just don't want anybody to feel like they're alone out there. Like, I went through it. And it's definitely something that is worth talking about to share with other people so they don't feel alone. I understand you were sexually abused between the ages of four and fifteen.

Ramnani: Can you tell me by whom? Where were you in your earliest memories?

Poulton:: Yeah, so it was definitely during my adolescence, like you said, four years old to fifteen. It was my dad. He was my abuser. So it was in the house having it start that young. I didn't really understand that it wasn't normal. I didn't understand that it wasn't okay. I thought that that just was how it is, and I didn't feel like I had control over my body. I didn't feel like I could say no. And then as I grew up and became a teenager. I started realizing that other families, my friends like they don't have that kind of relationship with their parent. And so that's when it started to trigger for me of something is off here, something's wrong. But the first memory that I have of being abused, I was six and it was Christmas Day. I remember being so excited going out, like sneaking out into the living room to check on my stocking and see what Santa brought under the tree, and I was just so excited. And my dad, like our dynamic, he had his own bedroom off in our we called it our shop. It was like the second little building on our property. And so before we could all open presents, it was my job to go wake him up and bring him inside. And we could have breakfast together. And and I just remember feeling like I don't want to go out and wake him up. I really don't want to do this. And then on the flip side, I had the encouragement of, well, nobody can open presents if he's not with us, if it's not the whole family. So I felt like I had like, this duty to go and wake him up and and to start Christmas Day. I'm like, standing outside of his bedroom door and I just freeze and I almost like I know what's going to happen once I walk into that bedroom. I know I'm not going to have any control whatsoever. And ultimately, I opened the door and I'm just standing there and almost like a silhouette, like it's dark in the bedroom light behind me. So I'm just a silhouette in the doorway. And he calls me over to his bed and I just freeze and I'm scared. And he calls me over again and I just. I can't move. And then the third time I realized he's gonna start getting mad if I don't do what he says. So I went over to his bed. He lifts up the blankets and like, I crawl in. And then I just remember being like a statue. Like I was so stiff and still and just numb. Mentally, I checked out. So I was then molested and then we were out there for maybe thirty minutes. It felt like a lifetime. It felt like forever. And then he said, like, all right, like, I guess we should probably go inside and and start Christmas. And so then we go inside and I remember feeling like I'm supposed to be happy because it's Christmas. I'm supposed to have a smile on my face, I'm supposed to be excited about presents, and I just feel so violated and like, I couldn't smile. I couldn't be excited or happy. But I also couldn't say anything. And at the time, I didn't realize what was going on. I didn't realize that, you know, that's not okay. I thought that here's this authority figure. I have to do what he says because he would get mad if I didn't. And so I just sat there and just watched everybody open presents. I felt like a shell, just an empty shell of a person. And that was just one occurrence that was just like the big one because it was attached to a holiday. I think that there's something to it when it comes to memories. Memory, like an event that sparks emotion, is memorized like you remember that. And it's easy to reflect back on. So if there's no real emotion tied to it or benchmark, it's hard to reflect back on specific situations. But considering that was Christmas and I felt this obligation of I have to go do this because I want everybody else to have a good Christmas, I feel like that is the big memory for me when it comes to the sexual abuse.

Ramnani: So how did your dad get away with this for so long?

Poulton:: Yeah, that's a really good question. You know, I wish that he couldn't. I think because we were so young, we didn't know that we could speak out. We didn't know that there was resources that we could turn to, and he used fear against us. So he used to say, like, I know people who can make you disappear and, you know, threaten us and our safety. And so it felt safer to stay quiet. And then eventually, when my parents actually got divorced, there was an investigation with Child Protective Services, a government agency over here that started asking questions and started to dig a little deeper. And he actually went to court and there was this whole big thing. And the judge told him that he should just stay away from his kids for at least six months, because these allegations were coming up. As I was a teenager, I started speaking out and saying like, this isn't right. And then so he just backed away and then he pled guilty. He took a plea deal. But it wasn't for like sexual abuse. It was for something really minor and he had to do like twelve hours of community service. Like there was like no punishment. And ultimately he took me with him to do the community service. Because the more people you bring, the more hours it counts for. So I did my own community service for him. But yeah, he ultimately fled the country and he left. And so I got to the point where it felt more important for me to just start my healing process and go down that journey of just being okay and going through all of the emotional, like healing that trauma from myself instead of staying in the anger and trying to press charges and hiring lawyers. I just felt like as long as he's not in my life anymore and he's not continuously doing this, then I'm better off. And so he definitely got away with it. And it's really sad because I'm not the only case study that this happens to. I think that with our justice system, it's really hard to actually prosecute people like that. And when there's no hard evidence, it's just he said, she said kind of thing. It's really, really hard to actually process somebody through the system. So I just figured as long as it's not continuously happening to me, I'm better off. Oh wow. I can't believe he only had twelve hours. I know, and he took me and my brother with him. So we actually only had to do four hours because there's three of us. So it counted. It was one day we made we went to the homeless shelter and we made food for four hours and that was it. When we went and did that, I was still a kid and he was playing it off like, oh, I'm such a good person, I volunteer. It wasn't until later I found the documents from when he went to court. Really, he had community service, like I didn't realize when we were doing it that that's what we were doing.

Ramnani: Did your mum know?

Poulton:: Oh, yes. Not yes and no. Not when we were really little. But as the divorce started, you know, piling on and. And the investigation started going down, she found out. And it turns out like I wasn't the only one in my family who was all of us. And so she was kind of thinking, like, after the fact, like, now that I'm an adult and we can hash things out, I've talked to her and she thought that she was the only one being abused. And we all kind of thought that. It'll take one for the team and nobody else will be hurt by this person. But turns out we were all going through it all at the same time. But because of that fear, we weren't allowed to talk about it while it was happening. Nobody knew that it was happening to each other. So now, I mean, she's very aware and very supportive of our decisions with cutting him off and not talking to him in the moment. We didn't know that everybody was going through it.

Ramnani: How did the abuse affect you mentally, physically and psychologically?

Poulton:: There was a lot. That's a loaded question when it comes to the physical side. I think that that's really interesting to look at because we store trauma in our body. If we don't process it, it it stays within us. And so when I broke my back, I had obviously a lot of pain that was associated to that. And bones heal within six to eight weeks unless something crazy is going on. So I was having chronic pain though for a decade. It was about ten years, and it wasn't until I addressed it in correlation to trauma that I was able to eliminate the pain. So from that trauma and that abuse, it showed up in a very real physical sense of pain. And I think very interesting. I wish there was more studies done on this because so many people with chronic pain or autoimmune diseases, a lot of times it stems from some form of trauma, and that trauma stays within us and it starts attacking itself. And so that was from the physical side of things. But then the mental and psychological side, that was a lot to overcome. And I did years of therapy. Obviously I had a drug addiction. I did all different kinds of seminars, courses. I read any book I could get my hands on podcasts like I was just trying to learn and trying to understand how do I actually get rid of this? Because I knew he was the cause and it wasn't me. Like those of you listening, if you've had something like this, you are not broken. You are not damaged. You are just like just who you need to be. But we have these problems that we need to overcome and release. So I was still growing up. I was a kid. I remember my first suicidal thought I was nine. I wanted to just, you know, cut ties. And that stuck around until I was about seventeen. I was suicidal and I would self-harm. I would also just to get some form of sense of control over my life, because I couldn't say no to anything. I developed an eating disorder. That was the only thing I could control, was what I ate or didn't eat. And so I think that there's a lot, a lot of mental ramifications that come through when it comes to trauma, and it really presents itself in so many different ways. But for the most part, I think it's the easiest way, like water, it's like it'll take whatever path is the easiest. And so depending on your situation and what you're dealing with, it will find a way to affect you one way or another. And so for me, I feel like there was just a whole mess of things. And it wasn't until I really took full responsibility. And some people get a little freaked out when I say that because I'm not excusing the behavior. I'm not saying it was my fault at all, but realizing that it's my responsibility to heal and taking that ownership of, okay, this trauma is with me. How do I just set it down? How do I let it go? And knowing that nobody's going to come save me and do that for me is I had to do it myself, and I had to figure out how to do it. And so obviously I had a team, I had therapists and my husband and family. You know, there's definitely a team rallying behind me, but it was me that had to take those first steps and move forward on actually starting that healing. And so I think that as long as we don't take that ownership and that responsibility, the accountability for healing, I think that these side effects of the trauma will follow us.

Ramnani: And how far do you think you have come on your journey?

Poulton:: Do you think I have come a very long like far away? I you know, this is a very controversial opinion. Some people say that this journey never ends, and some people think that, you know, there's a finish line. And if there were a finish line, I think I would be able to say that I've crossed it. I have gone through so much healing. And I mean, it's been over a decade, almost fifteen years since I really got out of the abuse. And so I've put the time in. I've really focused on my own psychology and my own mindset, and I have no hard feelings towards him. I'm actually this kind of blows people's mind to like. I'm very grateful for the experiences that I had, and I'm grateful for the childhood that I had, because if it weren't for that, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be having this conversation. I wouldn't be able to help other people. Everything that I went through, I feel like was for a purpose. I was strong enough to go through it and get out to the other side, and I feel like now it's just a matter of turning around and helping other people get through it as well. Almost like I'm at the finish line cheering you on or, you know, and so I feel like that for the flip side, there's always more to learn, there's always more to improve. We always have a next level. And so I'm excited to see what that is. And I'm sure that that never ends. But I think from the trauma side of things, it doesn't affect my day to day life anymore like it used to. And if that's the benchmark, if we want to put some kind of measure on it, it doesn't affect me day to day at all. And now it's just a motivator to turn around and help other people.

Ramnani: So how did the trauma affect you in your daily life?

Poulton:: So in the past, the trauma was it was really affecting me from a mental standpoint. I was very depressed, I had anxiety, I was suicidal for a while. I didn't feel like there was any hope. I thought I was going to be in pain forever. I couldn't have any kind of compelling future. And mostly I was trying to numb because of the trauma. I didn't want to be in the present. I didn't want to have to feel the emotions. And so that's why I was using my drugs, like my prescriptions, because I needed an escape. And all of that was because of the trauma. And so I think that unresolved trauma can affect us in every area of our lives. Like there's people who will either under eat or overeat as a sense of numbing so they don't have to feel the trauma. And that affects your health, right? Or they Overexercise or Under-exercised. They're moving their body to the point where they're damaging their body, or they're not moving their body at all to the point where it's damaging your body. Same thing with the mental side of things. It's like, are you having to stay busy with other things? So you don't have to think because you're just overloading, overstimulating your brain. Or is it the flip side where you can't think about anything? You're just vegging out, and you have to just numb from mindlessly scrolling on social media or watching TV or whatever. You know, I think that those of us who have trauma, it's so easy to let it affect our daily life, and we're all so different and we experience things differently and we process it differently. And so how it shows up for you might be very different than how it shows up for me. And those of you listening, there's always a way to dig deeper and to find the way that it's affecting you, even if you don't think that it is. Because if you haven't gone through this whole mess of the healing journey, we tend to protect ourselves. We put up different walls. So maybe it's trust issues or commitment issues, or maybe it's an emotion. So you're angry a lot, or you're sad or lonely or isolated a lot. It's very different the way that we all show up for ourselves in with the trauma. And so I think for me, it was just very doomsday esque. I was really sad, like it felt like I was very lonely and it felt like, what's the point? Kind of like there's nothing better out there for me. And it wasn't until I changed that and started challenging these limiting beliefs that I started realizing, wait a minute, I think I can actually make a change if I stop doing my drugs and I stop drinking and I get off of all these things, then maybe I could actually be proactive and create the life that I want. It looks like you have motivated yourself to get off drugs. Yes, the motivation for getting off the drugs really came from my overdose. So when I was twenty one, I had this genius idea of going to Las Vegas with some friends and having this big party. And we were there for two nights, and on the second night I started mixing my prescription pills with alcohol, and I was taking more than I had ever taken in a day and drinking more with them than I had ever done. And we were going to go dancing. I love dancing, and we get to the club to go dancing, and as soon as we get out of the Uber, I realize like, oh my gosh, the music, the bass from the music is so intense I can't. I felt so sick. I had to go back to the hotel. So I get back to the hotel and immediately I just start overdosing. I'm throwing up. It's just terrible. And it was at that moment I had almost like an out-of-body experience where I'm looking at myself, overdosing from a bird's eye view. So I'm like, looking down at myself and I realize, like, wait a minute, this is not my life. I choose something else. I can choose something else. And so then obviously, I had to finish the overdose and kind of purge everything out of my system. And it was from that moment on that I stopped using. I realized that if I wanted to be alive, I had to do things differently, and I couldn't just sit back and let life happen to me. I had to actually get up and do things, proactively, make different decisions. And when that happened, I realized that I have to actually feel, because it was the first time in my life that I wasn't just numbing with either self-harm or with drugs. And so realizing that I had to start feeling that whole first year of sobriety was very challenging. I was very angry, angry and depressed, and it just was that whole like cycle back and forth, angry to depressed. Then I started to get the hang of it and I started to realize, like, okay, there's some joy in here, there's some good. And I went through the healing. And then once I got to my one year sober, it's like, okay, I'm invincible. I'm never going back. You know? It's like, if you can stay sober for a year, you can do anything. So that was really the motivation. It was the realization that if I didn't make a change, I wasn't going to stick around.

Ramnani: That's incredible. In your mind, what is the difference between a survivor and a victim?

Poulton:: Yeah, it's the mindset. So I think that no matter what happened to you, whether it's sexual abuse or not, anyone can play the victim. I think that that is more of the mentality of life is happening to me, and I don't have any control versus someone who's the survivor. Their mindset is life is is happening for me. Whether life is working on you or for you, it's always working. And so I think somebody who is more of that, that survivor mentality, they have realized their strength and that things can happen. Bad things happen all the time, but it's not going to keep them down, and they're not going to use it as an excuse to stop trying. I think victims a lot of times get to use it as an excuse to not have to make any changes or take any responsibility. Why do you think some adults find it hard to listen or beneath? Children feel like when a child speaks out? I think that some people have a hard time believing them because the ramifications of if it were true. I think that it's just easier to assume that the kid is lying because if they're lying, you don't have to take any course of action other than maybe disciplining that kid. And when I was a teenager, I had some family members call me a liar, saying that I'm just imagining it and almost like gaslighting me. And I started gaslighting myself of like, did this really happen? Is this really what I experienced? Sadly, I had a therapist who told me that more often than not, like studies show, the family will side with the abuser over the victim and it's just because it's just easier. It's so sad because you see all of these people who have gone through something like this that if the family could just rally behind them, I think a lot more people would be, you know, incarcerated or arrested or would be pressed against the abusers. But unfortunately, it's just just easier for the family to not believe the child to side with the abuser because then they don't have to do anything. So did you ever feel a no. Yeah, yeah, I felt alone for most of my childhood. I thought that I was the only one going through it. Obviously. Now, as an adult, I found out that that wasn't true. But when you're in the heat of the moment, I didn't know what was going on. And so I think when it comes to feeling alone in it, that's one of the main reasons why I love sharing my story now, because those of you listening like you're not alone, you're not crazy. Anyone who's told you that you're a liar, they're wrong. You know, like I think we all know deep down there's a line that once it's crossed, you know, I'll just brush it off. I used to think that. And realizing that it's not a competition of who had it worse, it's just. Did it happen? Was that person crossing the line yes or no? It doesn't matter how far over the line. Just were they over the line. But I think especially in your adolescence. Growing up, you don't understand all of the dynamics that are happening. And so I think that it is very lonely and not knowing who you can talk to if it's safe to talk to anyone. And I think most people who go through it don't speak up. And I mean, for decades, there's people who some of my clients that I've worked with have told me about situations from their childhood that they haven't told anyone else, and they're in their forties or 50s. And it just blows my mind that here we have women of all ages who don't feel like they can speak up. They feel like they're going to be called a liar. They feel just so alone and isolated because there is no community rallying behind these women. I felt very alone for a very long time. I was wondering about your school and whether you told anyone there. So ironically, the school is what got CPS involved when my sister, my dad actually choked her, so she. They were doing a homework one night and.

Ramnani: Oh, really?

Poulton:: It was. Yeah, it was, you know, very emotional and heated. She did not want to do her homework and he got really upset. She threw her math book down and he just like, snapped and just out of reaction, pinned her up against the wall and was choking her. And it was obviously like crazy. But in our dynamic, it's like, okay, like, let's just not talk about it. Let's just move on. And then she went to school the next day and she's telling some of her friends of like, oh, yeah, my dad choked me last night, because in our life that's just kind of normal. Like a little crazy over the line, but not surprising if you're not in an abusive home. That is alarming. And some of her teachers overheard her telling her friends this. And so the teachers went to the school counselor and the principal and brought it to their attention. She was younger than me. So she went to a different school. And so all of the like the school counselors and all the schools that me and my siblings were at, they kind of rallied together and had a conversation. And so they pulled me in and they're like, hey, what's going on at home? And I didn't know that they were talking about the choking with my sister. So I just started opening up about the sexual abuse. I'm like, oh, well, yeah, this is happening. And so that like, blew them away. And so then they got CPS involved and I had to do an interview with CPS and, and it was really good that the school got involved because without the school, I think we would have just kept going. My parents wouldn't have gotten a divorce. My mom was actually quote unquote, threatened by the school saying that if she doesn't report my dad to the police, they would have to report both of my parents, you know, for obviously the abuse and then neglect. And so there was the chance that my mom would lose all of her kids. And so my mom decided to report him and get a divorce. The school is kind of the savior in this coming in and forcing action, and without that, I think it would have just continued on.

Ramnani: What happens then?

Poulton: After CPS interviewed me and they were getting a divorce, that's when the judge told my dad to just stay away from the kids because all these allegations are coming up. And then he took the plea deal and we started doing the community service, and my mom ended up getting remarried. And then my dad moved to Puerto Rico and, you know, kind of went his separate ways. And and then he ended up buying a boat and sailed around the world on a boat. So he's definitely not in the picture. But the divorce was that kick start that really created more separation. You spoke about abuse on this podcast.

Ramnani: May I ask how do you hope it will help other people?

Poulton: I think for the most part, speaking about my experience, my goal is to help other people not feel alone. I want there to be an understanding that no matter what you're going through, you're not the first person who has gone through it. And so if you feel like you need to speak to someone, or you feel like you just want to connect with other people, I think that, you know, those of us that go on podcasts or share our story publicly, that is our mission, is to just help you feel not alone, that you feel like you're not crazy. You know, we're not gaslighting you into thinking that it didn't actually happen. We believe you, and I think that getting that validation and feeling the belief and feeling that there are sadly, unfortunately, there is a community that has gone through it and that we're just we're in this together and and you don't have to go through it by yourself and you don't have to stay in it. Just because it happens doesn't mean that it'll control your life forever. It might take a while to go through and heal and process and overcome it all. But that doesn't mean that it's going to take forever.

Ramnani: How do you perceive the abuse now compared to when you were a child?

Poulton: Now I'm really grateful for it, and I know that it's so crazy to say, but it's made me who I am, you know? And it's it's given me this newfound courage. Like, if I can go through that, I can do anything. So those of you listening, like if you have gone through it and you're still here, keep fighting, keep going through it because it you can really turn it into a blessing. Sometimes I'm asked like, if I could go back in time and have it different where I wasn't abused, would I do that? And sometimes I like to dabble with that thought of like, okay, what would my life be like if I didn't have that abuse? But I know that my life now, I'm so grateful for everything I have and the perception that I have the contrast, understanding that it could be so bad and now it's not. And, you know, like having that view on life. I think it's such a blessing. So I think definitely in the past I was very angry and I was not not happy that it happened. But now I think that it's it's one of the best gifts of my life because it's it's letting me connect with other people in such a deeper level. It is definitely an interesting perspective. Yeah, a lot of people think I'm crazy when I say that, but I, I stand by it. I think that it's a really important perspective to have because it shows people that just because you've gone through hard things doesn't make it the end of the world. I would like to ask another question, but don't worry if you don't know the answer, okay, go for it.

Ramnani: According to the website Criminal Defense Lawyer, the perpetrators of child abuse can get a prison sentence from a few days to a few years, depending on the severity of the abuse. What do you think the legal system may overlook in cases of child abuse?

Poulton: Well, for one, my personal opinion is a couple days is a joke. That is not long enough. I think that it's hard to quantify the level of abuse for a child, because they look at the direct action of what was done. They don't look at what is the consequences for the rest of that person's life. So the younger the abuse starts for a child, your brain literally develops differently. The structures and the neurons connect in a different way than somebody who was not abused. And so from that fact alone, you are changing the trajectory of that person's life forever. And so I think that that's so hard to quantify, that I know that the justice system, they have to have some kind of metrics to go off of. And so it's just a hard problem in general. And so not necessarily blaming them, but I do think that there is some deeper wounds that need to be addressed when it comes to sentencing and looking at, quote, the severity of the abuse. Because, you know, one thing done to a four year old, that same thing done to an eighteen year old has a different effect on their brain from a neurological perspective. Not saying that it's better to be abused the older you are. You know, obviously every level of abuse at any age is terrible. But from the childhood specifically, I think that it's just so hard to calculate and measure the actual effect of that abuse on the child because of the way that we are still putting our brain together, like our our frontal lobe is not developed until we're twenty five. And so any time before then, any abuse that happens, it is changing the structure of our brain. And so I think there needs to be I mean personally, obviously this is a hard one fix all answer, but for childhood abuse, I feel like the consequences should almost be worse compared to doing that same action to an adult doing it to a child who is completely defenseless, who you are changing the structure of their brain because of the way that you're treating them. That is absolutely terrible. And, you know, I feel like it should not go with just a couple days in jail.

Ramnani: What do you think your dad should have got?

Poulton: I think. I mean, coming from it now, it's really hard because I don't hold any grudges. But if you were to ask me back when I was, you know, nineteen eighteen, I would have said that he should have been like, given the death sentence. And I think the reason I would say that, or life in prison take away is freedom, because the level of abuse may have not been the absolute worst, but the consistency of abuse across multiple people for easily twenty years. It's like that is so malicious and so intentional. It's not like he made one mistake. Quote unquote mistake. It was very, very thought out over and over and over and over. And so the fear now is like, well, yeah, he's not around me, but is he abusing other even to this day? When I broke my back, I was fifteen and I was no longer accessible to be sexually abused. He within a month had a nineteen year old girlfriend and he was forty three. And so yes, she's of legal age. But you know, these abusers, they are preying on other victims. They're preying on people who don't understand that this is not healthy, not normal, not natural. And so there's that fear of how long is he going to do this for? Is he still doing this? I think that for my specific situation, I would say at least life in jail or life in prison, if not the the death penalty.

Ramnani: What message do you hope to convey to those who may be going through similar experience, whether they're a child experiencing abuse or an adult who had experienced abuse as a child?

Poulton: I would say speak up if it's okay, if it's safe, if you know that you have an adult or a friend who you can trust, speak up about it. The other thing I would say is just keep going. Keep fighting because it won't last forever if you keep trying. If you're an adult and you're going through it, leave. I know it's so much easier said than done, but if you're in a situation where you can control the environment that you're around, definitely changed those people as a kid. Obviously, you can't change your parents and they say, you know, the devil you know is better than the devil you don't. And so there's a lot of fear around turning your parents in. You know what? If you get taken away and put into a foster care system and they're worse, you know, like, I think that that's a fear tactic to prevent you from taking action. And so if you can speak up, I would say do it. The sooner the better. File police reports. Get something on their record. Because then enough of that happens and eventually the legal system could potentially catch up to them.

Ramnani: What is your message to the perpetrators of sexual abuse?

Poulton: Well, I highly doubt they're listening. I think that they would be really uncomfortable listening to this podcast, but if I could get a message out to them, I would just say, I believe in karma. The legal ramifications don't catch up to you. I think that the universe will. I believe in God. I think that there is a special place just for those people who are abusing children, abusing other people, taking advantage just for power or for significance. I think that eventually weather on this planet, or this life or another life, you will eventually pay the price.

Ramnani: I wonder, do you have any final thoughts?

Poulton: Yeah, I think anyone who's listening who maybe struggles with numbing. I know it's really hard, and the emotions that come with the abuse is very challenging to face very often. Addiction goes hand in hand with those who are struggling with sexual abuse. And so if you are and you want to learn how to process the emotions and like how I overdosed and I wouldn't be here if I didn't get sober, if you're wanting to make a change, then definitely reach out to me and I would love to help you. And if not me, someone reach out to someone. Get help from someone, even if it's just a friend that you can talk to. I think that that's so powerful.

Ramnani: Nicole, it has been a pleasure talking with you today. Thank you so much for your openness, honesty and time.

Poulton: Yeah, thank you for having me on. I think it's really important to be able to share my story, and I think that you're amazing for creating a platform for people to do that. And it's been it's been an honor.

Ramnani: That honor is all mine.

Poulton: Thank you again for having me. I think it's really, really impactful that you're wanting to interview people with stories like this. I think that it's really, really important. And so, like from the bottom of my heart, I'm very grateful.

Ramnani: That is why I'm doing this. Okay. Have a nice day.

Poulton: You too.

Ramnani: Thank you. Bye. If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this episode, you can find resources on the support page for this interview. Remember, you are not alone. Thank you for listening. I'm Doctor Sapna Ramnani and this is Share It With Me. Stay curious. Stay connected.